I'm so damn frustrated with everything it's not even funny...

having a period doesnt help at all. it hurt like hell this morning and i was "knocked out cold" til like noon and wouldnt have gotten up if my mom didnt wake me..  and i forced myself to eat this coconut, taro, sweet potato, sago (little ball gelatin thingies) with milk.. it's good but now im like rolling around my chair like a balloon. period + extremely full = huge ball of lard.

i eat when nothing else seems to satisfy me. i overeat = get even fatter.. i get fatter = more self-loathing ... self-loathing = eat more... repeat.

with art.. not much is happening, except im forcing myself to sketch some more.. and i realize i cant really draw stuff like how i want to.. and i keep drawing until some pose actually "works" but it's still awkward really.. aw man.. i know im not really growing much as an artist.. and if i really want to make a manga.. by now i should have had an idea in both .. but in the end all i learned from school was how to be a lazy ass in drawing.. aw crap why didnt i realize this sooner... because i was lazy i kept trying to invent ways how to draw it minimalistically and yet still have a lot of "information". my drawing teacher loved the technique but as soon as she dumps tons of critiques on me for making the picture TOO "sweet" it's like wtf im not risking putting black stuff on it and ruin it.................

on another note... it's official.. im going to the phils this coming 22nd and i'll arrive at 24th (their time) .. coming back on june 10th.. will be here on 12th canada/vancouver time?

ok thats.. all im going to whinge about now. i know how annoying i am :D

So what do i the first morning when I no longer have school?

... Eat hershey's cookies and cream.

it was nice, as usual. :P

so.. i'll start babbling and writing out my somewhat incoherent thoughts.

you know..

I just realized that.. my life starts now. When school is over. I have.. I actually have a life I need to start.

Ah.. I wonder, if i'll ever be courageous enough to embark in making big changes in my life.

Hehe. I guess I will.. I just gotta do it! :)

And to think this is pretty much a monumental occurence.. to finish school.. but.. it just seems like it's just like any other day, another day with other concerns, but, im alive, and i still have the ability to carry on what I want to do, and I guess that's what's important eh?

It always felt like this ever since, I expect something.. I don't know.. crazy-weird to happen but, i know that other things are waiting for me.. more things to accomplish, more things i need to try out. Eh, let's always just hope for the best. :)

Ah.. why am i such a bittersweet person.

I guess I'm also very worried for my friend.. she's going through a lot of emotional problems atm..

Everything is so.. unexpected in life.. All you can do is hope that everything will be alright in life. I do wish her the best, she's an awesome person.

I can't wait to meet all of them this summer though. I havent seen my friends for 2 years now.. it feels a bit i dunno.. weird.. nostalgic.. happy.. sad.. I've heard of some things about my friends.. it somewhat disappointed me.. I don't know it's just weird how people can do things like that so easily.. you'd think it's only like that in tv shows.. but no.. your friends, your own friends would actually do those things.. i knew it would happen.. that is why im always paranoid about it..

i know how much of a burden it is for myself and adam.. but i just cant help it..  the things people do to the people they love the most.. it's really.. sigh

anyway.. ahah.. i have to start packing up my stuff and move ;s i also have to paint tons of walls for the show and.. yeah i guess i'll need to bring some extra clothes that i dont mind getting paint on..

... meh, i should stop letting these things get me a bit down..

oh, and on another note.. a classmate of mine in art class.. thought i was a happy person.. always cheerful and nice to talk to.. ... i think she got the wrong idea of me to be "always cheerful" its odd that.. i see her a lot.. and yet she doesnt really know im not cheerful all the time.. most of the time.. im like this.. bittersweet.. i dont know what you call it.. other than that.. it was just a bit weird imo i guess. lol. so it goes to show that.. people wouldnt really know someone even if they see them a whole lot at some places like school or work..

.. so when do you really know someone? is it really never? im not asking 100% but.. at least 85-95%? is it really that impossible? i guess.. the good thing about me is that.. i am.. so see-through.. its a bit annoying.. but im glad that people would actually get to know me if they really tried to know everything about me.. im a pretty open person..

i guess thats what ive been working towards.. cos i hate not knowing someone.. but then.. i guess im the only one i know who is striving towards something like this.. i know most people.. would be ashamed to let people see for what they really are ;S i hate it when things are murky.. i hate it when i dont know whats going on.. i really hate those things..

you know.. i should seriously start making my comic.. lol a slice of life type thing.. id prolly end up making a story about myself though.. eheh >_< but oh well.. ive always wanted to express those ideas..

i gotta work on how i draw guys tho.. there's way too much of a gap between my girl and guy drawings..

.. blah blah blah. lol if you read through all of that.. i applaud you.. and think youre a tiny bit crazy :) ahah

I'll break this up into sections. If you feel like reading them, you can always click on whichever you want to read:





Ok.. I guess that's enough typing ahah..
I still have so many concerns inside me.. but, eh, slowly, i'll get there eventually :)

So, I'm not as good with posting journals anymore but - what the hey. I'll start doing that again.

Anyway, I haven't been doing much. -shock- Oh, yes, I have a week left to complete every single project.. and yes, I have not been doing anything. Somehow, in some way, I don't care what my mark/grade is anymore. I do but, I have been pushing myself too hard - worrying constantly about every little thing. So I decided to take a week break to just.. I don't know.. do anything I wanted to? I know it's the worst time to be doing that, but hell - to be honest, I shouldn't give way tooooo much pressure on my self here, when it is not my true purpose for going to  school/college to study fine arts.

No, I did not go there to show how I can draw if I kept trying - breaking my soul, heart and mind in the process since I'm only just a beginner. This unneeded pressure that I put upon myself. I did not need that! No, I did not go there to seek praises from others, hoping those really talented artists would pay attention to me. Oddly enough, they do somewhat recognize me and my works whenever I try my hardest. So that is a good thing. And a lot of people did give me credit where I worked hard on the most. Gradually, I am somehow shaping into what my teachers want to see as well. But - but, what for? I did not come here to Canada to keep trying to be perfect in everything! Rather, I came here to improve myself. And I have! And I will keep doing so. Which is the most important thing during my visit to Canada.

I am capable! That's what I should always tell myself. Instead of always giving up so easily. I am capable! I can do it if I try my hardest! So - I should not worry anymore...

Eh...

Been thinking a lot about other things too..

I should find a way to move to Australia as soon as I can.. ;x

oh. i bought a lot of stuff lately.. I'll post about them soon :) I'll edit post later~